Trust

I don't think most people spend enough time actively thinking about the importance of trust, but I know that we'd agree that it's imperative in any relationship. Children learn to trust their parents and hopefully later earn trust from them. We trust our friends and family to be honest with us and consider our needs when making decisions that effect us. Bosses trust their employees not to steal from them. Employees trust their bosses to be ethical and fair. Lovers trust their partners to be true to them alone. Trust is so easily earned and given that people don't value it nearly enough. We only really pay close attention to it when it's broken. When a child lies or a partner cheats. Broken trust can cause a lot of damage to a relationship and in extreme circumstances, end one.

Unfortunately, I've been on both sides of the fence. I've done things in my life, like anyone else, that I'm not proud of. I've hurt people and I've been hurt by people. I spend a lot of time these days thinking about trust and it's close cousin, respect. I was lucky enough to be with an amazing, trustworthy man for many years. I know that I took him and "his type" for granted way too often. I don't regret the decision we made to end our relationshp because that was the right decision for us and I am very happy to hear that he is happy. My journey over the last couple of years has been a very difficult one and at times devastating. I threw myself into a new relationship and for a while was happy. I thought this new person was exactly who I was looking to spend my life with. He made me laugh. I felt connected to him in a way I hadn't felt before. Our relationship was intense. And for all the ups there were also downs. Pair two people with emotional "issues" (I deal with anxiety and depression) and you have a hot mess. Emphasis on the hot because we looked really good together. ;) Anyway, extremely charasmatic man - knew my friends, met my family, etc. etc. Most of you know that he ended up being married with children. This is where my issues with myself played a nasty role because I should have run for the hills screaming and I didn't. Sure, I was mad as hell and incredibly hurt. I was also open to hearing him out and working through things. But let me tell you, that kind of hurt and break of trust, couldn't heal. Maybe with other people and in slightly different circumstances but not with us. I gave him the benefit of the doubt entirely too often and he took advantage of that. It hurts me, even now, to talk or even hear poorly of him so I won't do it, on this blog or anywhere else. What is TRUE is between him and God.

I am proud of myself for having the strength to walk away from someone I love and have invested so much time and energy in but that doesn't it mean it isn't hard. Someday I know I'll look back on this as a very small rough patch; something I learned from. Right now I take it day by day. It's hard to all of a sudden stop caring about someone's well being or wondering where or how they are. Some days I am so busy I don't even really think about it until night but other days my dreams are consumed and I wake up "in my head". Those days really suck, I'm not going to lie. I hope someday I'll be able to put my trust in someone again, after my heart has time to heal.

I know I mentioned before that I worry about what other people may think reading personal information about me here but sometimes this really is the best way to share myself. This is me and my life. Take it or leave it.